How I Quit Smoking

It is sensitive and hard.

I smoked my first cigarette when I was 13.

My last when I was 28.

Almost all who are near and dear to me still smoke. For them, I am writing this, in hope that my journey will inspire them. But I must warn you… It is not pleasant!

I was in 7^th grade. Pretty much all the cool kids from my classroom already knew how to smoke. Inhaling smoke is quite a big deal when you don’t know how to do it and you are 13. It’s a skill. During breaks, they were gathering in the girl’s toilet, passing a cigarette around, gossiping and bonding. The hormonal pimpled and too tall to feel confident puberty me thought “I must smoke also, so I can be part of this amazing experience” Only if I knew…

My mom used to keep an old pack of cigarettes in her closet to keep away the moths. They were some Bulgarian brand. I took one, went to the bathroom and climbed up on the bathtub and with my head out from our little bathroom window I took my first drag.

It tasted like burned paper and burned tea leafs and it hurt my throat and my eyes, but I was persistent and within days I mastered the ‘art of smoking’.

I did not have any money to buy cigarettes, but some girls were ‘lucky’ to have parents who smoke and they were stealing one or two cigarettes from them. My parents did not smoke, so I was paying my classmates my share of one stick. We would pass the cigarette from one to another. By the time it was reaching me, it was hot and wrinkled and burning my lips. I didn’t care. I was cool. I belonged.

At home, in front of the mirror, I would practice with a pencil, so my gestures and smoking manners were ‘lady like’, mature and sexy.

By the time I was 18, already having a job -meaning a constant flow of money, I was a pack-a-day smoker. I don’t know if I needed it or not, I never tried to stop.

I became so passionate about it, that by 21 I took a job at a tobacco company. Talking about cigarettes all day long, selling them, convincing people to change their brand, buy more, smoke more, get more free pens or hats or lighters advertising all for free of course.

If someone asked me how I feel about not smoking, I answered ‘I love it! I enjoy smoking every single cigarette, why would I or anybody ever quit?’

I am provided free transportation from home to work every day, but you can’t smoke in that bus, so I bought a car just for the sake of being able to smoke on my way to work every day. I didn’t want to feel deprived.  Who cares about $ when you can smoke unrestricted?

People never could see on my face that I was a ‘smoker’. I was investing a lot in face creams, whitened my teeth every 6 months and made sure I had a mint after a cigarette so I didn’t smell like an ashtray. But with the years, it got harder and harder to maintain the appearance of porcelain bright skin and white teeth.

So how did I quit? Or more importantly why?

When I met Mr. Van, he excused himself for smelling of smoke, he just had a cigar – a rare habit that goes very well with a single-malt – he says. I said, that’s ok, I am a smoker also, and I brought my cigarettes into our relationship within the first 10 minutes.

When he told me his mother smokes, I was happy to hear that, it meant he would never nag about my habit because he was used to it. I even lied about my smoking, saying I was just a casual smoker, maybe half a pack a day. He didn’t figure out yet that every morning I would have a super strong coffee and 2-3 cigarettes before even considering starting my day…

He never nagged, and as our relationship grew and my love for him evolved, I felt like I should not make him go through my smoke. So I would smoke on the balcony. At the beginning he was coming with me and we were chatting over a drink and my smokes. Once he told me he was not going to come with me. I didn’t like that. I wanted to spend time with him, not with my skinny white ultra-light friends.

One day I decided maybe it is time to try to cut back. Just like that… Gradually, I got to 10 a day. I was already convincing myself I am almost a non-smoker.

As I reached this psychological level, I got stuck. I would spend my days fantasizing about my next cigarette. Counting how many I had left and dreaming of where and how I would smoke the remaining ones.  Panicking when I didn’t have enough left. Finding excuses for getting into the next day supply, building up a secret relationship with the tobacco, dreaming about it. I was never enjoying the present cigarette, but planning and drooling over the next one. Sounds like an addict? Well, I was!

My goal was 5 a day. I never made it. I decided I couldn’t continue with portion control. I was either going to be a smoker or not.

After a painful emotional incident involving a mini-nervous breakdown followed by the realization of how advanced and serious my addiction was, I decided I no longer want to be a smoker. I reached this decision only after understanding that cigarettes where controlling my life. It was my wake-up call, especially for a control freak like me.

I didn’t stop right away, I was not ready for that and my finals where coming up so I set up a deadline and gave myself 3 more months of ‘enjoying’ unlimited amounts of nicotine (very happy times after my 10 a day struggle). In preparation I started reading on the subject, trying to understand the dynamics of nicotine addiction. I even set up an appointment with a hypnotherapist specialized in dealing with fixing smokers into non-smokers – it didn’t work out at the end, the therapist left the country when I was due to start my non-smoking days. I started giving away my secret stock (I was buying by the carton) and all the remaining accessories:  ashtrays, lighters, filters, air purifiers and car ashtrays.

We worked out that Mr. Van would drive me to work or I would take the bus – for some reason, driving triggered an immediate pavlovian desire to light up. We even avoided watching ‘Mad Men’ as there was too much smoking going on. In short, I was all prepared. But what came next, no amount of books or advice could have prepared me for.

As the day approached, I was scared and wondering…

‘What am I going do instead of smoking, all this time spent smoking has to be filled with something..’,

‘What if I get fat..’,

‘What if I lose my friends as we no longer have cigarettes in common..’,

‘How will I ever enjoy a meal without the cigarette after..’

‘What about the other…cigarette after..’

‘What if I am upset or stressed..’

They were all valid concerns and I had no answer for them.

Day 0:

I am smoking my last cigarette. I am thinking what pleasure do I get from it, how does it make me feel.

Go on, light it up right now, close your eyes, inhale deeply, and ask yourself the same question.

I was honest enough to answer myself: none. No pleasure, it is just smoke.

Bravely, I take my unfinished pack to the garbage chute, and dramatically throw the pack in. Lighter follows, together with my last ashtray in the house. Mr. Van is there and he hugs me tightly.

Day 1:

Morning is going quite well, however I don’t drink my usual coffee. Too much association, so I fix a tea. Don’t really like the taste.

Starting from afternoon, I have severe headaches from caffeine and nicotine withdrawal.

In the night, I try picking a fight with Mr. Van and use it as an excuse to smoke a cigarette. It doesn’t work, he doesn’t give in. I am crying. A lot!

Day 2 to day 7

All I can think about is how nice would it be to smoke a cigarette. I am very emotional and can’t stop crying. My life no longer has meaning without cigarettes. I am sad and depressed. I have bad headaches, and just started coughing convulsively.

I find myself crying in the weirdest situations:

seeing an old lady in the plane who was helped to seat down by her daughter started waterworks that kept me locked in the lavatory for 10 minutes,

movies – even Shrek 3 made me cry,

colleagues who were too kind or too mean,

the cleaners who spend all day picking up garbage from the street caused deep introspection and associated crying as I realize life is not fair and doesn’t give us all equal opportunities to succeed.

Who would have thought I will turn into a philosopher just by stopping smoking? Not me..

Day 8 to day 30

First revelation: I look in the mirror and I feel luminous. My skin is glowing and I feel that for the first time I am using my lung capacity. It’s been a while…

Headaches stop, but coughing continues. I fantasize about smoking, however now it is less triggered by every day activities, and more by smell. I would dive into piles of dirty socks if they would smell of smoke.. Weird, as I used to hate the smell of smoke.

I am reading over and over again my transition book, Easy way to stop smoking, pocket edition.

I sweat from my palms and it smells of a dirty ashtray forgotten in the sink overnight. I love it and I secretly smell my hands.  My husband probably thinks by now that he married into crazy.

We go out for the first time in 2 weeks. No smoking area and I feel I am doing quite well.

Day 30 – Day 60

Gradually I forget about the gesture. I don’t miss it so much anymore, but I still dream about it. I crave when I feel the smell of smoke. My friends are supportive and proud of me. My dad gives me as an example to my sister and urges her to quit also. This is an individual process rather than a joint family affair, but he will realize this only later.

Day 68

It is girl’s night out, for the first time out without Mr. Van, in a bar, full of smoke, having a drink with my girlfriends. The smoke bothers me, so I decide that it will be no harm if I light up one, just so I don’t feel the surrounding. I take one and try to inhale. I can’t do it anymore, the habit and the automatic reflex of inhaling already disappeared. I am thinking of the first time I smoked. After couple of failed attempts, with conscious effort, I finally manage to inhale. It hurts. It feels like needles going into my throat and lungs. I am coughing. I don’t like it. And then it daunts me: this moment was all I was thinking and dreaming of for the past 2 months. Was this my fantasy of the perfect re-encounter? It wasn’t! I knew then,on the spot, that I just smoked the last cigarette of my life.

Day 69 – now

I haven’t craved or dreamt of smoking another cigarette ever since. I can be around people who smoke, but the smoke mostly disturbs me so I choose not to.

I know my smoking days are over and I am happy and proud I achieved that. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was by far the best decision I took for myself and for the people that I love.

When I was a smoker and someone was telling me about people being diagnosed with all sorts of diseases related to smoking, I was puffing and saying it will never happen to me. Now, I sometimes wonder and pray that my 15 years of smoking will not come back and hunt me one day. I hope I will not die of lung cancer, knowing it was all about a decision to stop doing it earlier.

Smoking is a disease, an addiction to a chemical. Withdrawal symptoms are powerful and affect your body, but also your mind.

When you decide you want to be a non-smoker, be prepared not to be in control of your emotions for a while, but when that eventually passes, you will finally be back in control over your life.

Be prepared to change, because stopping smoking triggers a chain reaction:

• Your taste will change. I stopped drinking coffee and started tasting food in a different way. More salty and spicy, new condiments. I gradually eliminated red meat from my meals. I just didn’t like the taste anymore. Then white meat. Then milk. Now I only eat fish 3 times a week and lots of vegetables, fruits, grains and nuts. And chocolate of course.

• Your body will change. After the coughing is done (after about 1 month) my breathing improved. I haven’t felt short of breath or at the end of my lung capacity anymore. When I took a deep breath in, I could feel the air and the oxygen filling my body and giving me energy. Yes, I gained some weight (about 5 kilos), but that was because I replaced cigarettes with chocolate. After a while, I realized it, and again replaced, this time chocolate with carrots and went to the gym. Now I am back to my previous weight.

• Your skin color will change. After the first week, I noticed that the greyness in my skin was gone. I was luminous and in no need of make up during the day J Very proud of it, people around me complimenting and asking which products I use.

Smokers are not weak willed; actually they are mostly highly ambitious and successful people, and if they redirect their drive and ambition towards stopping smoking, they will definitely succeed. All it takes is to make the decision: I WILL BE A NON-SMOKER. And the most important aspect is being honest to yourself.

You know where to find me if you need a boost. J